My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
