there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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