if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
