That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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