I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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