My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
