She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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