Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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