mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
