I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
