you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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