I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
