I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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