According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
