the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
4 words: hood of his car
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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