Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
