I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
