just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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