Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
