i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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