I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
