I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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