My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
