It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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