The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
