I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize