i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Randomize
