i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
