i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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