Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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