apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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