your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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