So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
