I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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