I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
