goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
