I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
