Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize