I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
