Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
