Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
