I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Drake has all the answers
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
