What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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