My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
