Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
