At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
