Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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