Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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