I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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