i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
