I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
