The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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