No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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