life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
