When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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