It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
