eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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