Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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