Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
