i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
