I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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