dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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