whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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