I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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