I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
